by Robb House
by Robb House
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. MUSEUM - ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT
A short shot of the Heaven's Gate Museum, such as it is. A small
building, spotlights pointed up at it from the ground.
CUT TO:
INT. MUSEUM - EGYPTIAN EXHIBIT - NIGHT
CU of a large yellow-gold banner, decorated with Egyptian
hieroglyphics and symbols. It reads: "SMENKHKARE: MAN, MYTH,
PHARAOH".
The camera PANS DOWN. The museum is decked out Egyptian-style.
Gold, stone facades, fake hieroglyphics everywhere. Small groups
of FORMALLY-DRESSED people mill around the room, looking at the
treasures in the glass cases, the art on the walls. Shirtless
WAITERS in traditional Egyptian slave attire (headdresses and
sandals) serve the patrons glasses of champagne.
Against one wall, taking in the sights, are MIKE, TYLER, and VI.
Mike and Tyler are wearing tuxedos -- Mike's is cut purple --
and Vi has on a stunning red dress. She looks beautiful, but
then again, she is Vi.
MIKE
I'll say it again, sister, you look
amazing.
Vi grins, almost embarrassed.
VI
Thanks.
(to Tyler)
What do you think?
TYLER
Well, you know, um...
MIKE
I think that he answered that question
when he forgot how to stay standing up
the first time he saw you.
Tyler slaps Mike on the shoulder. Vi laughs.
TYLER
I have an ear infection. I told you
already. It screws with my balance.
He fidgets with his jacket sleeves.
TYLER (CONT'D)
This thing doesn't fit right. You told
me I was going to be George Clooney.
MIKE
Dude. If you couldn't look in the
mirror and see that you weren't George
Clooney, you're beyond my help.
VI
(supportive)
I think you look kind of like George
Clooney.
Tyler smiles.
Vi's stomach rumbles.
VI (CONT'D)
Ooh. Tummy hungry.
Vi gives Tyler her best "helpless female" look. Looking around,
Tyler spots a waiter with a plate of hors d'oeuvres.
TYLER
I'll go get food.
He rushes off in the direction of the waiter. Mike gives Vi a
sly grin.
VI
What?
(beat)
What?!
MIKE
You weave strange yet mighty
vaginamancy. Thankfully, I'm immune.
VI
(innocently)
I have no idea what you're talking
about. No idea.
MIKE
Mmhmm.
We PAN AWAY from them, across the room, past Tyler getting into
an argument with the waiter about how many shrimp he's allowed
to take. We land on FLETCHER. He's chatting up someone, the
exhibit's female CURATOR.
FLETCHER
So. Egypt. Pretty big place, huh?
CURATOR
Uh... it's actually rather small.
FLETCHER
I meant "big" in the historical sense.
He looks just past her shoulder. FRANK stands idly by a small
display. He shoots a look at Fletcher, "What's going on?"
Fletcher shrugs.
FLETCHER (CONT'D)
(suavely)
Say, why don't you teach me a few
things about this incredible diorama
over here?
The curator smiles, flattered.
CURATOR
You like that? Oh, I made that myself.
I'd be happy to explain it.
Fletcher raises an eyebrow at her. She blushes and drags him
over to the diorama. As he goes, he throws a subtle thumbs-up to
Frank.
Frank grins. He adjusts the collar of his tuxedo and takes a
glass of champagne from a waiter's tray. After a few sips he
looks over across the exhibit hall.
TAMSIN stands alone behind an unremarkable amulet in a glass
display case. She nods.
Frank nods back, tips the last of the champagne down his throat.
He taps the glass three times and then DROPS it. It SHATTERS on
the ground.
At the same time, Tamsin CRACKS the display case with a tiny
mallet. The sound syncs up with Frank's champagne glass
breaking.
FRANK
(shouting)
Oh, dammit! Such a clumsy...
Frank makes a huge production of cleaning up the glass as
everyone looks at him, momentarily distracted. Tamsin reaches
into the display case, takes the amulet, and dumps it into her
purse. While she's in her purse she takes a large cloth and
drapes it over the broken display, hiding it.
Meanwhile, Mike and Vi remain against the wall, still chatting.
MIKE
What a waste. I look too good in this
monkey suit to be standing here like a
wallflower. I should be out there
mingling, getting phone numbers from
hunky guys.
Vi cocks here eyebrow at her friend.
VI
I thought you were reformed.
MIKE
Just because I'm not sleeping with
every guy I see anymore, doesn't mean
I'm ready to hang myself with a
celibate rope. I'm still a man. I have
needs.
VI
I... I can't help you with that.
MIKE
I know. I'm just saying that with me
looking this good, one of these guys
should be lucky enough to be on the
receiving end of the full "Mike
Experience".
(beat)
And maybe on the giving end too.
Vi eyes the crowd skeptically.
VI
I don't know. Not really your scene,
is it?
MIKE
What do you mean?
VI
These guys are classy. You usually go
for the more...
MIKE
(offended)
What are you trying to say?! I could
have any guy in this room!
VI
Any man?
Mike looks quickly around the room, surveying all the men.
MIKE
Yep.
VI
In the entire room.
MIKE
Without a doubt.
Vi closes her eyes and sticks a finger out, like a roulette
wheel, looking for a random man. She points and opens her eyes.
A GRUFF-LOOKING MAN with dark eyes and hair stands across the
room, admiring the pharaoh's sarcophagus. He is 30ish, handsome
in a brooding sort of way.
VI
Him?
MIKE
(nodding)
Him.
Vi looks at Mike expectantly. Mike doesn't move. She waves her
hand in the guy's direction. Mike looks at him, shrugs and
casually migrates towards him.
Once he's in speaking distance he pretends to eye the exhibit
for a bit and then looks up.
MIKE (CONT'D)
(suavely)
Hi there.
The man looks at Mike. An annoyed look crosses his face.
GRUFF MAN
(cooly)
Hey.
MIKE
So. Egypt. Pretty big, huh?
GRUFF MAN
I guess.
Mike extends his hand.
MIKE
Hi. Mike Czajak.
GRUFF MAN
Yep.
Mike looks awkwardly at the man.
MIKE
So, do you...
GRUFF MAN
What are you doing?
MIKE
Huh?
The man scoffs and gives a small, amused chuckle.
GRUFF MAN
Are you serious with this?
Mike looks back at Vi quickly.
MIKE
I really don't understand what you--
GRUFF MAN
"So. Coffee. Sure is hot."
A blank look from Mike.
GRUFF MAN (CONT'D)
No? Well, how about, "Oh, babe, this
is the best it's ever been."
Mike still isn't comprehending.
GRUFF MAN (CONT'D)
Nice to know I left an impression.
He brushes past Mike, leaving the warlock scratching his head.
Mike goes back to Vi, defeated.
VI
And what exactly was that?
MIKE
I don't have any clue. I--
Look of shocked realization crosses Mike's face.
MIKE (CONT'D)
I think I might have slept with him
once.
VI
So-- oh. Once.
Mike nods, sadly.
Meanwhile, Frank is still making a show of cleaning up the mess
he's made.
FRANK
Just gimme a sec, I'm sure I'll get it
up!
Tyler rushes over, grabs Frank by the arm.
TYLER
Hey, now, Frank, I think you might
have had a little too much champagne,
huh?
FRANK
You don't know what you're talking
about, boy, I'm just gonna clean up
here--
Tyler drags Frank away, smiling and apologizing to the crowd.
When they're away, regrouping near Mike and Vi, Frank smiles at
Tyler.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Good work.
TYLER
Thanks. How's Tamsin?
Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake begins to play.
Tamsin approaches, clutching her purse closely to her. She winks
once at Frank.
FRANK
All right. Let's go, crew.
TYLER
You don't think we should leave in
small groups? If we all ditch together
it's gonna look weird.
FLETCHER
He has a point.
FRANK
Okay, then. Me and Tyler. Then Vi and
Mike, and --
FLETCHER
Me and Tamsin.
FRANK
I guess it does come out to that. What
an unforeseen and purely accidental
coincidence.
Tamsin glares at Frank.
EXT. MUSEUM - NIGHT
On the front steps of the museum. People are leaving and coming
in. Frank and Tyler slip out, Frank playing up his drunkenness,
Tyler leading him by the arm.
TYLER
Let's get you into bed, okay?
FRANK
I don't wanna go to bed!
Shortly afterward, Mike and Vi exit.
VI
Any man in the room.
MIKE
Look.
VI
I mean, that's what you said. And then
you tried it, and, bam!
MIKE
I'm just as confused as you are.
The keep walking, off camera. Next out are Fletcher and Tamsin,
arms locked.
TAMSIN
Why are you holding me so tightly?
FLETCHER
It preserves the illusion that we're,
you know, a happy couple. And things.
TAMSIN
Mmmhmm.
FLETCHER
What? It does. It-- there is an
illusion, and this is a preservative.
Like Smucker's would make.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
With his other hand he fumbles in his pockets.
FLETCHER (CONT'D)
Damn. I think I dropped my pen. You
can get to the car by yourself, right?
TAMSIN
You're going back inside for a pen?
FLETCHER
It's a nice pen!
She shrugs. He darts back off into the museum.
When Tamsin is clear of the crowd, crossing a grass field on the
way to the car, a BLONDE WOMAN runs into frame, bumping into
her.
BLONDE WOMAN
I'm sorry!
But before Tamsin can get a look at her the woman runs off.
Tamsin picks her purse off the ground, straightens her clothing.
TAMSIN
That was--
And a HEAVY CLUB comes down, THWACKING her in the back of the
head. She falls to the ground.
A MAN crouches down, plucking the amulet from her purse. He
straightens up and we see that it's SILAS. The Blonde Woman jogs
back into frame, right into him. It's HESTER.
HESTER
Did you get it, baby?
SILAS
How long have you known me?
The two of them kiss over Tamsin's unconscious body.
BLACKOUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. FRANKS DINER - ESTABLISHING SHOT - MORNING
Still in general disrepair after the back-to-back attacks of
Praxx and the Ravin Qua. The front window and door have once
again been replaced.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANKS DINER - CONTINUOUS
The gang sits around the diner. Tamsin has her head down.
Fletcher holds a bag of ice to the back of her head.
TAMSIN
(muffled)
Bloody hell.
FLETCHER
There, there. It wasn't your fault.
FRANK
Yeah, Tams. We all get conned by the
oldest trick in the book at some
point. That's how come it's still in
the book.
FLETCHER
Yeah. They tried to take it out in
newer editions but everyone protested.
Tamsin rolls her eyes.
TAMSIN
They got the amulet.
FLETCHER
Yes, they did.
There's a silent beat as Tamsin waits for more. When she
realizes nothing's coming:
TAMSIN
That is not reassuring.
FLETCHER
We'll get it back.
FRANK
You're sure it was that vampire trio?
TAMSIN
I didn't get a good look at her,
but... yeah. That little bitch.
Frank frowns.
We PAN AWAY from them over to Mike, Vi, and Tyler, who're
sitting together in a booth, having their own conversation.
VI
(excited)
You should have seen, it was awesome!
MIKE
It was not awesome! It was so un
awesome!
VI
The guy just growled at him, like a
bear, then stalked off. And then Mike
was like, "A durr."
She makes a stupid face.
MIKE
(frowning)
Look, let's just forget about it.
TYLER
Well, we both know that's never going
to happen.
MIKE
(beat)
Dude, how do you remember that? It
happened a like a year ago?
TYLER
I've been saving it up. God, it feels
good.
MIKE
Something like this has never happened
to me before! It's weird.
TYLER
Why were you picking up guys, anyway?
What happened to all that talk about
character development and personal
growth?
Mike rolls his eyes.
MIKE
(points to Vi)
She made me.
VI
I so did not make you. You bragged and
I called you on it. Guess I was right,
too, huh?
TYLER
(amused)
Sounds like someone is losing their
man mojo.
MIKE
I'm not losing my man-- It was him! I--
he-- we--
(aggravated)
Never mind!
Vi chuckles. Tyler squints his eyes suspiciously at Mike.
TYLER
Did you know this guy?
MIKE
(grudgingly)
Apparently.
He happens to glance down at his watch.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Oh, crap. I'm gonna be late for class.
TYLER
How convenient.
Mike sneers at Tyler and slides out of the booth. He dashes out
the door.
TYLER (CONT'D)
(beat)
So, when do you think he's going to
notice he forgot his books?
The pair look amused as we:
CUT TO:
INT. COMMAND CENTER - LATER
Frank, Fletcher, and Tamsin have gathered in the command center.
A picture of the amulet rotates on one of the computer monitors.
FRANK
We already know this amulet is some
pretty freaky hoodoo, which is why we
halfway stole it, but do we have any
idea why a trio of apocalypse-minded
vampires would want it?
FLETCHER
They're sticklers about accessorizing.
Tamsin snickers.
FRANK
I don't feel like that was in the
spirit of helpfulness and good cheer.
FLETCHER
It was in the spirit of making the
pretty girl laugh.
Frank rolls his eyes.
FRANK
Once, boy, I thought as you did,
intent on pleasing women. Until I got
a girlfriend, and realized that they
are utterly unpleaseable.
TAMSIN
How do you ever get any women?
FRANK
I have an air of authority and not
inconsiderable biceps. And have you
seen my butt?
TAMSIN
(rolling her eyes)
Jeez.
FLETCHER
(continuing)
No idea why they stole it. They could
have been attracted to its "freaky
hoodoo", as you put it, or it could be
as simple as they were just bored, or
were out for revenge against the team.
Who knows with these guys?
Frank nods.
TAMSIN
No, wait.
The men turn to her.
TAMSIN (CONT'D)
Can't be revenge. If that were the
case, wouldn't they have just killed
me instead of swiping a piece of
jewelry? They had the chance.
Fletcher nods-- he hadn't considered that.
TAMSIN (CONT'D)
But they didn't want me to realize
what was happening. They definitely
had some purpose for what they did.
FRANK
That kinda chills me a little.
FLETCHER
It's probably part of some damn
esoteric ritual to raise a dark god
that'll have babies with Cthullu and
end the world or something.
(beat)
I'll dig around for more info on the
amulet.
TAMSIN
I'll help.
The two of them move further back into the command center,
accessing separate computer terminals.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - DAY
Frank enters from the back just as the diner door opens. TANYA
steps into the diner, looking around. Seeing it's empty, she
leans over the counter and gives Frank a peck on the cheek.
FRANK
Hey.
TANYA
Hey yourself.
She looks at him, expecting something. He glances around the
diner, oblivious. Tanya rolls her eyes.
TANYA (CONT'D)
How'd it go?
FRANK
Oh! Right. Last night. It went really
well... right up until it went
horribly wrong.
TANYA
What do you mean?
FRANK
Like, if at the end of Ocean's 11,
they all walk away from the fountain
and then get hit by a semi-truck.
Tanya winces.
TANYA
I'm really sorry.
FRANK
It got stolen off us, but we're gonna
get it back.
TANYA
There were two crimes in one museum
last night? They should fire that
police officer who just turned a blind
eye... oh, wait.
Frank smiles.
TANYA (CONT'D)
Well, I'm glad that we didn't postpone
our date in vain. But hey, at least
you actually cancelled this time
instead of leaving me alone in a
restaurant filling up on bread sticks.
Frank looks embarrassed.
FRANK
Yeah, look, I feel bad about that.
I'll make it up to you. I promise.
TANYA
Oh, really?
FRANK
Yes, really.
TANYA
When?
FRANK
Tonight. At eight. Be ready.
She hops onto a stool and folds her hands under her chin,
batting her eyes in a mock-dreamy way.
TANYA
Where we goin', stud?
Frank just grins at her and wipes down the counter.
CUT TO:
EXT. FRANK'S DINER - DAY
A DARK SEDAN is parked across the street from the diner. We
slowly CLOSE ON the sedan.
CUT TO:
INT. SEDAN - CONTINUOUS
Sitting in the car, watching Tanya and Frank, is the ominous
figure of DETECTIVE REED.
CUT TO:
INT. SUBURBAN LAIR - DAY
The living room of a small house. The blinds and curtains are
drawn, blocking sunlight from the room. An upended table lies on
the floor, and beside it are TWO BODIES. There are vampire bites
on their necks. We PAN UP from them to REVEAL ZACHARIAH standing
over them. He's looking down at the corpses, licking his lips.
Hester and Silas enter. Silas is shirtless. Zach leans in and
gives them each a quick kiss. His gaze returns to the bodies.
HESTER
What's wrong, hun?
ZACHARIAH
I was just thinking... someone's gonna
have to move these bodies.
SILAS
You ate them. Do your own dishes.
Zach raises an eyebrow. That makes a certain amount of sense. He
kicks one of the bodies aside and collapses onto their sofa.
ZACHARIAH
What did my pretties find out about
our special necklace?
Silas tosses the weighty amulet onto Zach's lap carelessly. He
jumps.
ZACHARIAH (CONT'D)
Oy! Mind the jewels, mate!
SILAS
The necklace's our yours?
ZACHARIAH
(unamused)
Both. Now what did you learn?
SILAS
It's a big piece of costume jewelry.
ZACHARIAH
What?!
HESTER
There's a specific ritual you have to
do, or that thing is bloody useless.
ZACHARIAH
Well, let's go charge it then!
SILAS
It's not as simple as that.
ZACHARIAH
What did you say?
SILAS
(loudly)
It's not as simple as that!
(beat)
To get this thing up to power, you
have to charge it inside a dimensional
rift.
Zach looks down at the amulet, then back up at Silas.
ZACHARIAH
Bugger.
Off his disappointed face we:
CUT TO:
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