by Pete D. Gaskell
by Pete D. Gaskell
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. VI'S BEDROOM - DAY
C/U on VI, who's dressed scruffily, looking straight ahead. The
image is fuzzy, slightly out-of-focus. It's a WEBCAM.
VI
Is it on?
She leans forward and taps something. There's a quick SPARK, and
she jerks her hand back.
VI (CONT'D)
It's on.
Clearly pondering what to say, she sits and thinks for a bit,
looking off to one side. Eventually she turns back to the
camera. She puts on a dazzling bright smile.
VI (CONT'D)
Hi! I'm Vi, and I'm a Slayer.
(beat)
Although you probably knew that.
(beat)
Anyway, there's a lot of you out there
now, and you're probably wondering
what it's like, and have loads of
questions and stuff. So I'm gonna try
and answer them.
She persists with the cheery persona and the fixed smile -
though it's starting to look a little fake.
VI (CONT'D)
This idea's not really mine, it's
Tyler's. You won't know him- he lives
with me.
Suddenly realizing, she leans in close to the screen, blushing a
bit.
VI (CONT'D)
Not like that! We live in the same
place. His room's the basement. Not
that he's a basement-geek or anything.
(beat)
Although he does have geeky
tendencies.
She realizes she's wandered off-topic, and shakes herself to
compensate.
VI (CONT'D)
Anyway. Yeah. This is like a modern
way of telling you about yourself,
because those old Watcher books are
useless. Unless you need to reach a
really high shelf.
She demonstrates with her hand.
VI (CONT'D)
I know what you're thinking, cos it's
the same question I had when I found
out I was "different"- can I still
have a social life?
She slumps back in her chair, deflating a little.
VI (CONT'D)
And until recently I'd have said "hell
yeah!" But it's been a really, really
weird couple of days.
(beat)
I think I'd better explain.
She leans forward again, ready to tell her tale, but we-
CUT TO:
INT. CHUCKIE'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
TIGHT on Vi and RICK, who are sharing a passionate kiss.
They hold it for a long beat, and finally break apart, with
desire clear in their eyes.
Both of them are dressed quite stylishly, Vi in a classy, short
dress and heels- this is a clearly a special evening.
VI
Did you really think we'd last this
long?
RICK
(a little too quickly)
No.
Vi's face falls.
VI
Why not?
RICK
I dunno. It's just- I never thought
it'd last.
VI
Could have said before that kiss.
RICK
There was no time. It was pretty much
"sit-kiss", wasn't it?
A cheeky smile from Vi confirms the truth of that.
RICK (CONT'D)
Glad it did last, though.
He reaches out and strokes her hand gently, seductively.
RICK (CONT'D)
You know how it's sometimes tough to
say words?
VI
Oh! You mean like supercalifra-
Rick cuts her off with a hand signal.
RICK
Not like that. I meant, serious words.
Vi's brow wrinkles- she doesn't quite know what he means.
RICK (CONT'D)
Three words in particular.
He gulps, taking his time. This is something pretty big for him.
RICK (CONT'D)
Vi. I-
He gulps again - a very nervous one.
RICK (CONT'D)
I love you.
VI
Oh.
She GASPS in pure shock- and for once, she's lost for words.
VI (CONT'D)
(almost whispering)
Do you mean it?
RICK
Course I do.
VI
(suddenly shouting)
THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC NIGHT EVER!
We PULL BACK to take in the whole restaurant. Every patron in
the place is looking at her.
FOCUS back on Vi's table, Vi turns beet red. The WAITER
approaches, bringing their food.
Vi suddenly REACTS, something is BUZZING. She fiddles in her
handbag for a second and eventually pulls out her cell.
She gives the message a quick study, and then tosses her phone
back into her bag and starts piling her stuff together, getting
ready to leave.
Noticing the food, she gives the waiter a sharp look.
VI (CONT'D)
Can I have it to go, please?
WAITER
We don't--
VI
Sure you do.
She empties the plate into a napkin, folding it up whilst
looking apologetically at Rick.
VI (CONT'D)
Sorry, Rick. Really I am. But I've
gotta go. Work.
RICK
I could go with you and--
VI
(shaking her head)
Nah. Because you just said you loved
me, and after this I'll be all sweaty,
and you might take it back. So thanks,
but no thanks.
She gets up to go, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.
VI (CONT'D)
Love you too.
And then she's gone.
Rick pushes his food around the plate dejectedly.
RICK
Most romantic night ever.
Rick sighs as we:
CUT TO:
INT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT
An empty, dark alleyway, with trash blowing around in a slight
wind.
Stairways either side lead up to tenement blocks- not the nicest
area.
A fat, cherub like creature comes waddling into view. On closer
inspection, he looks like a tiny young boy, with curly blond
hair and rosy cheeks.
He's wearing nothing but a loincloth protecting his manhood, and
has a bow and a quiver of arrows slung over his shoulder.
FRANK, MIKE and TAMSIN come tearing into view.
Frank and Tamsin instantly produce guns, level them, and prepare
to fire. Tamsin's is a sleek little handgun. Frank is using his
trusty shotgun.
FRANK
Clean shot. We want it alive.
They both aim for non-vital areas of the boy as he continues on
his way, oblivious.
Frank's finger closes around the trigger.
The boy suddenly looks back.
Frank and Tamsin FIRE.
The bullets ZOOM toward their target, but, just as they get
close to the boy, they miraculously turn into white DOVES, and
fly out of harm's way.
The boy's holding his bow in a ready position. He quickly pulls
out two more ARROWS, and fires them at a rapid pace.
One hits Frank's shotgun. The other finds Tamsin's handgun.
Both turn into RED ROSES.
Frank and Tamsin look at each other in total surprise.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Okay. What the hell?
He immediately turns to Mike, who just shrugs exaggeratedly.
MIKE
Don't ask me.
TAMSIN
I've seen it all now.
FRANK
I'll say.
TAMSIN
No. Look.
She's pointing down the alleyway, back at the little boy. He's
now sprouted angel-like WINGS, and takes off into the night sky.
FRANK
What is this thing?
He retrieves his cell, and starts dialling frantically.
Tamsin hands Mike her rose.
TAMSIN
Can you do anything with this?
He puts it in his mouth, then uses his tongue to turn it over.
MIKE
Tango?
TAMSIN
Sorry. I meant anything productive?
MIKE
I was planning on throwing it in the
air for an encore.
TAMSIN
(annoyed)
Can't you change it back?
MIKE
Hell no. Transfiguration may be big at
Hogwarts, but in real life, it's
pretty hard to pull off.
Tamsin gives Mike an odd look.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Tyler made me watch a Harry Potter
marathon.
Tamsin nods. Tyler, of course.
TAMSIN
Brilliant.
Frank rings off and closes his cell.
FRANK
Fletcher's looking into it. Damned if
I know what it is.
TAMSIN
So, that's it? We're gonna just give
up?
FRANK
Got a better idea?
VI (O.S.)
I HAVE!
From out of sight, Vi blitzes down the alleyway at full tilt.
She LEAPS into the air, and uses the metal stairway to PROPEL
herself higher.
HIGHER and HIGHER, until she can touch the cherub.
She gets both hands around him, and, with a swift TUG, pulls him
back to Earth.
They go tumbling downwards, faster and faster, at last crumpling
into a heap on the alley floor.
Vi snap-turns halfway to her feet, but the cherub is already up,
and has a GOLDEN ARROW primed and ready, aimed at her heart.
He LETS FLY, but at the last second--
A METAL CAN HITS him on the arm, diverting his aim.
The arrow punctures Vi in the leg, and she falls to the ground
in pain.
A BURST of GOLDEN MAGIC sprinkles into the air, and the team go
rushing towards her.
The cherub boy takes advantage of the confusion to re-sprout his
wings and fly away.
TAMSIN
Vi? Are you okay, love?
The golden magic dissipates as Vi gets to her feet.
VI
(deeper than normal)
Yeah. Fine.
Mike looks back at her incredulously.
MIKE
You sure?
VI
Why wouldn't I--?
TRACK UP from the ground.
Clumps of red hair cover her feet. Her legs are more thick-set
and hairier.
Her body shape is overall a little bulkier, with more obvious
muscle.
Her chest is now totally flat, with a dusting of hair.
There's a bit of a five o'clock shadow on her face which is less
smooth than normal.
And her hair is now closely cropped.
VI (CONT'D)
Oh.
(beat)
Ah.
She readjusts her stance, moving her legs a little further
apart. Mike looks at her with a shocked smile.
MIKE
Dude!
(beat)
You're a dude!
Mike begins to laugh uncontrollably. Vi's face grimaces in
horror. On her now MALE BODY, we:
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
INT. DINER - DAY
A familiar setup - Tamsin and FLETCHER are at the counter, Frank
behind, wiping down the various machines with a cloth. Tamsin's
sipping a steaming cup of coffee whilst Fletcher speed-reads a
page on his laptop.
Fletcher closes his laptop, exhaling as he does so.
FLETCHER
Little bit of good news. I've found
what it is the vamps are building.
FRANK
Oh?
FLETCHER
It's the Scourgelius Quarana.
FRANK
Whoa.
(beat)
What the hell is that?
TAMSIN
And what does it do?
Fletcher gives them both an exceptionally sheepish glance.
FLETCHER
No idea.
TAMSIN
And how is that good news?
FLETCHER
Because it's more than I got on
anything else we're after.
Frank stops cleaning, and gestures at Fletcher's laptop with his
cloth.
FRANK
You're telling me that you can't
narrow down a fat baby with magical
arrows? There can't be that many!
FLETCHER
That's the problem. There's none.
TAMSIN
Well we didn't make it up! We've got
the arrow to prove it!
FLETCHER
I'm not saying you made it up! It's
just... difficult to find any info out
about it.
FRANK
Well, keep looking.
Fletcher mock salutes.
FLETCHER
Yes, sir. But with all due respect,
William Tell's not the problem at the
minute.
TAMSIN
William Tell?
FLETCHER
Sounds better than Nappy Boy.
TAMSIN
Right there.
They scooch a little closer together.
FRANK
What is the problem?
FLETCHER
It's Vi. We need to change her back as
soon as--
He is interrupted by Vi who appears, shuffling down the stairs
rather uncomfortably. She's kitted out in loose-fitting clothes,
that seem to belong to Tyler, if the "Star Wars" logo on the
shirt is anything to go by.
Mike and TYLER appear behind her, and everyone watches as Vi
trips over her own feet.
A hand pulls her back to her feet- it's Mike's, and he takes the
opportunity to throw her a cheeky wink.
VI
Thanks.
MIKE
Don't mention it.
(beat)
Dude.
VI
(annoyed)
These stupid big feet! Can't get used
to 'em. It's like walking on canoes.
MIKE
You know what they say- the bigger a
guys feet, the bigger his...
His trademark smile appears, and Tyler separates the two before
anything else happens.
VI
That damn, fat, naked baby! If I ever
get my hands on him I'll--
She balls up her left fist and punches her right hand hard. She
then shakes her right hand and winces. That hurt.
FLETCHER
We'd better see to your "predicament"
first or you won't be very effective.
FRANK
Meaning?
FLETCHER
As I was saying- It appears that
owning a penis is incompatible with
being a Chosen One.
(beat)
Her Slayer powers are gone.
Frank furrows his brow.
VI
And it is SO not a fair trade!
(to the men)
How do you get anything done with
these...
(motioning to her groin)
..."things" just hanging there all
the time?!
The three younger men chuckle.
VI (CONT'D)
I don't get it! What's the appeal?
They stick to your leg, they get
caught in your zipper- Ow! by the way-
and they don't exactly smell Spring
time fresh!
(beat)
And don't even get me started on what
was all inside the front of my
nightshirt when I woke up this
morning. Eww!
The younger men bust out laughing. Even Tamsin chuckles. Frank
remains all business.
FRANK
(to Fletcher)
Is this permanent?
FLETCHER
(shrugging)
I assume it's reversible. But since we
still don't know anything about the
thing that did this to her, she'd
better get comfortable with chest hair
and athletic supporters.
Vi pouts and looks as if she is about to cry.
VI
I can't stay a man! Look at me! I look
like a bad drag king!
Tamsin then puts a sympathetic arm around the younger woman's
shoulders. Tyler also moves to comfort the young woman.
TYLER
Come on, Vi. We'll help you fit in.
MIKE
Speak for yourself, dude. I've got
plans. Helping Victor/Victoria around
her new body isn't one of them.
VI
Hey!
MIKE
Kidding. As if I'd let him...
(motioning to Tyler)
...be the model of manliness.
He gives Tyler a playful shove.
MIKE (CONT'D)
First thing we have to do is help you
out with your walk. Can't have you
tripping down the stairs every five
seconds.
He turns to Vi, studying her. She looks extremely uncomfortable
under this scrutiny.
MIKE (CONT'D)
I know where your problem is. You're
standing with your legs too close
together.
TYLER
Yeah. If that was me, there'd be tears
in my eyes.
MIKE
There's always tears in your eyes.
TYLER
You know what I mean.
Vi starts slowly moving her legs further and further apart.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Whoa, there, John Wayne!
VI
Why?
MIKE
Go any further, you're doing the
splits.
Vi hurriedly closes her legs together a bit. Mike nods
approvingly.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Right. You got the stance. Time for
the walk.
He gestures grandly, allowing Vi a clear passage to the kitchen.
She sets off, but gets barely two paces before Mike stops her.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Not like that. Like this.
And he walks in his casual, relaxed style.
MIKE (CONT'D)
It's not just your feet. It's the
shoulders. It's the swagger.
TYLER
She doesn't need the swagger.
MIKE
The swagger is a key part of the whole
walk. I've told you that too many
times.
Vi tries to imitate Mike's walking style, with some success. She
walks to the kitchen door and then back to the two young men.
Mike claps her on the back hard, and she WINCES a bit.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Attaboy! Next trick:
As he pulls a disposable razor out of his jeans pocket.
VI
Do I have to shave?
MIKE
Unless you wanna look like Pancho
Villa, I say you do.
He ushers Vi toward the kitchen, with Tyler following behind.
TYLER
You have a razor in your pocket?
MIKE
Hey! This level of grooming isn't
accidental, y'know!
Tyler shuffles up close to his buddy and whispers discreetly in
his ear.
TYLER
Can I ask you something later?
Privately?
MIKE
Sure, dude. Hit me.
TYLER
If only.
They share a smile as the three exit into the kitchen.
Frank watches them go with an expression just short of total
disbelief.
FRANK
Young people, huh?
He turns back to see Tamsin and Fletcher giggling away together,
and sitting very close.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Talkin' to myself.
Fletcher and Tamsin give Frank a very guilty shared look -
trapped with their hands in the cookie jar.
TAMSIN
Sorry.
Frank rolls his eyes.
FRANK
We need to fix Vi. Nothing against
Corrine, she's a great Slayer, but she
doesn't have Vi's training. And with
those vamps out there planning who
knows-what, we need her back in
fighting shape. Pronto.
Fletcher and Tamsin nod.
FRANK (CONT'D)
So there's no time for canoodling, is
there?
He throws a pointed stare at the two of them.
TAMSIN
S'pose we'd better get on with the,
er...
FRANK
Yeah. You'd better.
Tamsin and Fletcher get up and head into the back, Frank
watching them leave, making sure they're not doing anything
untoward.
TAMSIN
Although, y'know, Jamie's gone on that
school trip for the entire weekend...
FLETCHER
You thinking that with the mouse away,
the cats can...
TAMSIN
(with a sultry raised
eyebrow)
What do you think?
FLETCHER
I've gotta run a full spectrographic
analysis on the arrow, plus a DNA scan
on Vi. The computer will be processing
the data for hours.
TAMSIN
Will it now?
Frank closes his eyes in amused frustration as the two exit into
the kitchen.
FRANK
Unbelievable.
He returns to cleaning his counter once more and begins to
whistle - hopelessly out-of-tune.
The diner door opens, and CORRINE strides in. Frank abruptly
stops whistling. His face lights up slightly.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Corrine! 'fraid we're gonna have to
cancel your training today.
Something's come up.
She walks up to the counter a little hesitantly. Uncertainty is
clouding her features.
CORRINE
I didn't come for training.
Frank give Corrine a confused look.
CORRINE (CONT'D)
I need to talk. To a friend.
Frank nods toward the kitchen.
FRANK
Well, Tyler's in the--
CORRINE
No. It's you I want to talk to,
actually.
Frank's eyebrows shoot up in pure surprise.
FRANK
Me?
Frank leans on the counter, intrigued.
CORRINE
You have connections, right? In the
government?
FRANK
(suspiciously)
Why?
Corrine bites her lip. This is clearly quite hard for her.
CORRINE
It's my sister.
Frank's face softens.
CORRINE (CONT'D)
The private detective I had looking
for her has hit a brick wall.
Corrine hangs her head.
CORRINE (CONT'D)
He dug up an old police record on her.
But since she was a juvenile when it
happened, the file is sealed. There's
no trace of her after that. She just
disappeared.
(beat)
I need to know what's in that file.
FRANK
Want me make some calls, see what I
can dig up?
CORRINE
Please.
Frank gives the woman a soft smile.
FRANK
Follow me.
He gestures into the kitchen, but is stopped by the diner door
opening again, and a man in a long brown trenchcoat enters,
marching straight up to the counter, and looking sternly
directly at Frank.
This is DET. REED.
REED
You're Frank McGann? The owner of this
place?
FRANK
Yeah? What can I get for you?
REED
A signed search warrant.
FRANK
What?
Reed looks around the diner is disdain, almost sniffing as he
does so.
REED
I've been hearing things about this
place for a while. Strange happenings.
Violent incidents.
FRANK
Got any proof of that?
REED
Not yet. But I will.
FRANK
And who are you?
REED
Reed. Detective Reed to you.
FRANK
(smirking)
So you're Reed. I was wondering when
you'd drop by.
REED
I'll be watching you.
FRANK
I'm really flattered, but you're not
my type.
Reed is not amused. He points menacing at Frank.
And with that, he turns snappily on his heel and leaves.
Corrine gives Frank an uncertain look.
FRANK (CONT'D)
(sarcastically)
Well. Wasn't that fun?
Off his face we:
CUT TO:
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