by Tyler Moody
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT
We PAN AROUND the restaurant, at all the happy patrons.
JACK (O.S.)
We're not on a date?
MIKE (O.S.)
We're on a not-date.
Finally we land on MIKE and JACK, sitting together at a small
corner table.
JACK
See, what you said had all the same
words as what I said, but--
MIKE
Casual. Chill. Relaxed. You know.
JACK
Oh yeah. I know. You're ashamed of
me.
MIKE
I'm not ashamed of you!
JACK
Sure you are. I'm some old
professor and you're a hip young
cat.
MIKE
Okay, dude, no one actually says
"cat," and they never did. Sitcoms
made it up in the nineties to make
people feel stupider.
JACK
I was there, you weren't. That's
all I'm saying.
Mike laughs and takes a sip from his champagne glass.
JACK (CONT'D)
This isn't really a casual place,
either, is it? I have on too many
clothes for a casual place.
MIKE
You always have on too many
clothes.
JACK
Ho ho ho!
MIKE
Did Christmas come super early this
year?
JACK
More than once, I hope.
Mike smiles.
ELDERLY MAN (O.S.)
Yes, just the small duck, please.
With a bit of the sauce...
Mike turns in his chair, looking at the ELDERLY MAN, who's
reading off the menu, speaking to his WAITER. Mike stares
hard at the man, ignoring Jack, who keeps on talking.
JACK
(slowly fading in)
...agreed.
(beat)
Mike? Mike?
Mike SNAPS OUT OF IT, turning back to Jack.
MIKE
I'm sorry, what?
JACK
Are you okay?
MIKE
Yeah, it's just-- that guy, his
order.
JACK
You're opposed to eating duck?
MIKE
No. That's what Lon always ordered
when we came here.
JACK
(cold)
Oh.
Mike furrows his brow.
MIKE
What?
JACK
Nothing.
There's a long beat, as Mike looks around uncomfortably and
Jack stews in his seat.
JACK (CONT'D)
You're not over him.
MIKE
What? Lon? What are you talking
about?
JACK
Every time you remember him, you...
slip away. Into some past life. And
I'm left here alone.
MIKE
It's not like that.
JACK
Yes it is.
MIKE
I'm over him, Jack. I've dealt with
it. I promise.
Jack nods, but it's clear he isn't convinced.
CUT TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - NIGHT
RAIN pours down on the diner and LIGHTNING flashes outside
the windows. The diner is empty, but the silence is quickly
broken by shouting.
FRANK (O.S.)
Nope, no, no.
TYLER (O.S.)
You're being a baby.
FRANK and TYLER descend the stairs, in the midst of an
argument. Frank retreats to his "Happy Place" behind the
counter. He picks up a rag and starts wiping down its
surface.
Tyler slides into a chair in front of him.
FRANK
Be that as it may, this is my
diner, which is also my house. So,
I double-win.
(beat)
A man's home is his castle, and I
say that woman is not stepping foot
inside my kingdom!
TYLER
Well, technically it's Vi's
kingdom...
FRANK
Okay, and you two are gonna have to
cut that Dinertopia crap, because
it's about to drive me insane!
TYLER
Uncle Frank, you know I respect you
and all, but we both know Grandma
is way, way scarier than you.
Besides, her phone call did not
imply that she was asking if she
could come so much as forewarning
us of her arrival, much like the
warnings in the Book of Revelation.
Frank wipes his forehead with the back of his hand.
FRANK
Dammit, son.
TYLER
I know.
FRANK
This is not ideal.
Tyler nods, licking his lips.
FRANK (CONT'D)
What is she coming here for?
TYLER
She told me she wanted to meet
Callie.
Frank instantly spins around and grabs the first thing he can
-- a SPATULA. He points it right at Tyler's throat.
FRANK
You!
TYLER
What?!
FRANK
You summoned her here with your
damned engagement! What did I
always say about marriage?
TYLER
Frank--
FRANK
What did I always say?!
TYLER
(sighs)
Marriage is of the Devil. It is a
ceremony of Satan. It breaks men
and rains Hell down upon them.
FRANK
And now Hell is raining down upon
my diner.
Tyler rolls his eyes.
TYLER
She's your mother.
FRANK
She's Doris "Hope-Slayer".
TYLER
And you're Frank "No-Balls".
FRANK
If I let you believe that, will you
tell her she can't come 'cause an
asteroid struck my diner?
TYLER
You should probably clean up a bit
before she gets here...
Frank groans. He scrubs harder at an invisible spot as we:
CUT TO:
EXT. HEAVEN'S GATE - CITY PARK - NIGHT
A CRACK OF LIGHTNING.
Two LOVERS run through the rain, heading for the shelter of a
LARGE TREE.
THE GIRL
You're not supposed to hide under
trees during a lightning storm!
THE GUY
Oh, come on. We'll be fine.
THE GIRL
Let's at least go over there.
She points across the park to a small gazebo. The guy nods
and the couple run through the rain to the white structure.
Safe from the rain now, the guy pulls the girl close.
THE GUY
You're all wet.
THE GIRL
(seductively)
You bet I am, baby.
He smiles wide and pulls her in close for a kiss.
ANGEL ON: the large tree the couple were near seconds
earlier. A BOLT OF LIGHTENING hits the tree, splitting it
down the middle.
ANGLE ON: the gazebo. The couple begins to make out heavily
as the rain continues to hammer down. We PAN AWAY slowly.
Slowly enough to see a WHITE BLUR enter the frame.
As we leave the couple to focus on the park in the middle of
the storm, a pair of SCREAMS pierce the night.
BLACKOUT.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - DAY
The next morning. Frank, Tyler, Mike, CALLIE and VI have all
assembled, dressed in their finest clothing.
VI
I'm so excited!
FRANK
Good. You pretend to be me, I'll go
watch football for three days.
VI
I think she'll recognize her own
son.
FRANK
She hasn't seen me in ten years.
Maybe I got a dye-job and a sex
change and shacked up with a
British lesbian.
TAMSIN
Not a lesbian.
VI
Just for that, I'm asking for
photos.
Frank rolls his eyes.
CALLIE
Are there certain things I
shouldn't say?
TYLER
Nothing about Nixon. She hates
Nixon. And nothing about Carter.
She hates Carter. Try not to
mention any music that happened
after you were born.
FRANK
Don't speak unless spoken to. Never
promise anything three times.
Don't look directly into her eyes,
lest you be turned to stone.
Tamsin ruffles Frank's hair.
TAMSIN
She's not a troll.
FRANK
Of course not. Not green enough.
TAMSIN
Honestly! The two of you make her
out to be some sort of...
FRANK
She-devil?
TYLER
Succubus?
FRANK
Anti-christ?
Tamsin sighs and throws up her hands. Outside the diner, a
taxi pulls up.
TYLER
Okay. This is it. Everybody, just,
pretend to be normal.
MIKE
You stole that from Little Miss
Sunshine.
TYLER
Can you think of a better movie to
steal from?
MIKE
(beat)
I can not.
TYLER
Then shut up.
After a great deal of fuss regarding luggage, DORIS MCGANN
walks up to the diner. She's in her early 70's, but clearly
was a looker in her day. Confident and smart at the same
time, puffing on a cigarette, a badass grandma if ever one
was.
Doris reaches the diner door. Tyler jumps up and rushes over,
holding the door open for her as she and the CAB DRIVER
enter. He puts her luggage down and holds his hand out for a
tip, but a fierce glare from Doris sends him running back to
his car.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Grandma!
DORIS
T-Bird!
She grabs him and hugs him.
TYLER
(less than thrilled)
You remembered my nickname...
MIKE
(thrilled)
You remembered his nickname!
Doris pulls away from Tyler and looks Mike up and down.
TYLER
Grandma, this is Mike, you remem--
DORIS
Of course I do!
(to Mike)
I thought you would've joined the
Navy by now, sailor.
MIKE
They asked, I told, you know how it
is.
She smiles and pats Mike on the shoulder. As she turns,
surveying the room, she takes in Tamsin, Callie, and Vi.
DORIS
You surrounded yourself with sexy
ladies, T-Bird? Good boy.
TYLER
Yeah, no, Grandma, this is Vi, and
this is Tamsin. They're just
friends.
The girls wave at Doris as they're introduced. Tyler takes
Doris by the shoulder and turns her towards Callie.
TYLER (CONT'D)
And this is, uh, Callie.
CALLIE
Hi, Mrs. McGann.
DORIS
Come here, honey!
She hugs Callie tight against her, patting her on the back.
DORIS (CONT'D)
And please, just call me Doris. I
haven't been a miss since my
husband passed years ago.
On Frank behind the counter as he reacts to this statement.
Not happy. Guilty...?
CALLIE
Well, it's so good to meet you,
Doris. Frank and Speedy have told
me--
DORIS
(cocking her eyebrow)
Speedy?
CALLIE
It's a nick name.
DORIS
Tyler. Remember when I gave you
"the talk"? I told you to think
about baseball.
Tyler cringes and turns pale.
CALLIE
No. It's, uh, short for Speed
Racer.
DORIS
Is that a nerd thing?
Callie nods.
DORIS (CONT'D)
(to Tyler)
Don't let this one go, T-Bird.
Mike chuckles. An awkward beat passes.
CALLIE
(embarrassed)
Anyway, I've heard a lot about you.
DORIS
All bad, I imagine.
CALLIE
No, there were... like... a
couple... I think there was
something sweet about a puppy?
FRANK
She made us give it away 'cause it
looked at her funny.
DORIS
That emotion in its eyes was
strange.
FRANK
That emotion in its eyes was love.
DORIS
Right. That one.
She grins and approaches the counter slowly. It's not unlike
a jungle cat coming up on disabled prey.
DORIS (CONT'D)
Frank, Frank, Frank.
FRANK
Mom. Mother. Mommy.
DORIS
Don't be sarcastic.
FRANK
Sorry. Defense mechanism.
Doris leans over the counter and kisses Frank on the cheeks
leaving copious amounts of her lipstick.
DORIS
How've you been, son?
FRANK
Pretty good. Kinda busy here with
cleaning, though.
Doris takes the hint, her smile slipping a bit.
DORIS
That's fine. I'll find other ways
to occupy myself while you work.
She turns to the girls.
DORIS (CONT'D)
Ladies! Come sit with me while I
ask you embarrassing questions
about my grandson.
VI
Ooh! I have stories about Tyler and
showers.
CALLIE
(suspicious)
Why do you have stories about Tyler
and showers?
Doris pulls a small photo album out of her purse.
DORIS
And I have baby pictures!
The four women sit at a corner booth.
TYLER
I better go over there and make
sure I still have a fiancee in half
an hour.
Mike grabs Tyler by the arm.
MIKE
Actually, dude, can I talk to you
for a minute?
Tyler reads the expression on Mike's face and nods.
TYLER
'Course.
Mike pulls Tyler to a table and they sit across from each
other.
TYLER (CONT'D)
What's wrong?
MIKE
Okay, so, last night I was out with
Jack, right?
TYLER
Yeah.
MIKE
And something happened, it wasn't a
big deal, it was nothing, but...
He trails off, looks out the window, finally comes back.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Do you think I'm over Lon?
TYLER
Whoa. Um, well. I don't know. He
was the first guy you loved--
MIKE
I loved--
TYLER
I mean actually "loved", dude, not
BS high school "I'll love you 'till
homecoming" love. You loved him,
and he died. That's terrible.
That's the worst. I don't know if
you ever get over losing someone
you love.
Mike shakes his head slowly.
MIKE
No way, man. I'm totally over it.
Have to be. I can't live my life
crying over... whatever.
He gets up and heads for his room. Tyler slumps back, sighs.
The loud sound of LAUGHTER coming from the ladies' table
brings Tyler back to reality. He leaps up and races to see
what's going on as we:
FADE TO:
INT. FRANK'S DINER - LATER
Vi stands in the corner, on her cell phone. As we fade in,
she SNAPS it closed, frustrated.
Tamsin looks up from the table she's sitting at.
TAMSIN
What's wrong?
VI
Sarah still won't answer her phone.
I keep calling, but...
TAMSIN
She's probably busy. Maybe her
battery died.
VI
(unconvinced)
Yeah. Probably.
Before they can talk any more, FLETCHER enters the diner.
FLETCHER
Hey guys. Ready to work?
He leans down and gives Tamsin a kiss on the cheek and then
joins Mike and Frank at the counter.
FLETCHER (CONT'D)
Where's the infamous Doris I've
heard so much about?
FRANK
Tyler took her out to see the
sights so we could get some work
done.
FLETCHER
Sights? There are sights? Been here
nine months and no one told me
there were sights.
MIKE
There's that place where they
started to paint a mural, but then
stopped. I guess he could show her
that streak of yellow paint.
Frank tosses a file to Fletcher.
FRANK
I honestly don't care where they
went. I've got two dead bodies in
the middle of the park needs taking
care of.
Tamsin and Vi join the boys at the counter. Vi looks down at
the photos.
VI
Oh, eww.
FLETCHER
Looks like they were skinned and
gutted.
TAMSIN
What by?
Fletcher shrugs.
FLETCHER
Could be a lot of things. Won't
know till I go check out the scene.
Frank looks up.
FRANK
What are we waiting for?
CUT TO:
EXT. HEAVEN'S GATE - CITY PARK - DAY
The team spreads out over the park, concentrating on the
gazebo. The bodies are gone, but Frank still pokes around for
traces.
FRANK
There's nothing here. The cops
cleaned it up too well.
Fletcher squats on the ground, looking for tracks or
footprints.
FLETCHER
Ground's clean, as well.
Mike stumbles around, feeling out for some intangible thing.
TAMSIN
Is there anything here? Was there a
point to this little escapade?
FRANK
I dunno. Vi, take photos of
everything, maybe we'll spot
something later --
MIKE
Whoa. Guys.
He's dizzy, arms out for balance.
FRANK
What's wrong?
MIKE
I feel something. Buried. Like,
hidden.
They gather around him.
VI
What is it?
MIKE
Something... angry. A spirit. A
really pissed-off spirit.
He points down at the ground where he's standing. Vi points
the camera, takes a picture.
CUT TO:
EXT. HEAVEN'S GATE - DAY
Tyler and Doris walk side-by-side across the sidewalk.
DORIS
I can't wait for dinner tonight.
TYLER
I think Callie's looking forward to
it, too. Mostly because you'll tell
her new ways to make fun of me.
DORIS
That's a grandmother's job, honey.
To make everyone else's lives
miserable.
Tyler smiles.
TYLER
Sure you don't mind walking? We
could find a bench or something--
DORIS
I'm old. I'm not feeble. Walking is
good for me.
The sidewalk rounds a corner, but unfortunately the change in
angle gives Doris a clear view of the city park.
DORIS (CONT'D)
What are they doing?
TYLER
Huh?
She points. Tyler looks, and spots Frank and his team in the
park, poking around the gazebo.
TYLER (CONT'D)
Oh! Uh, well, I dunno, it--
DORIS
Let's go say "hi".
She starts walking. Tyler scrambles to catch up with her.
TYLER
I really don't think that's a great
idea...
CUT TO:
[top | next]
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.